Scott On TV: 2014

Sunday, March 30, 2014

MST3K: 112 - Untamed Youth

A youth, untamed... out in the wild.

Joel Robinson is trapped in space and forced to watch bad movies by a pair of mad scientists. His only companions are the robots he made from some of the spare parts. A cult classic of the 90's, this is Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Original air date: January 27, 1990

This episode begins with Joel once again stating the premise of the show. Joel is doing some work on Servo's torso, and his still functioning head sits on the desk. Joel finds a virus, and Crow says it looks like a magnetic tape worm, which is a nice play on words.

Joel's invention exchange is a pipe that prevents itself from being lit. This is the second time this season Joel has done a smoking-related invention exchange. Was smoking that much more of a thing in 1990? The Mads present tongue puppets, which are really just those plastic finger puppets you get at the dentist's office. Not a very inspiring invention exchange this week.

The movie, Untamed Youth, is a 1957 teen exploitation movie about a corrupt prison work camp. It stars Mamie freakin' Van Doren and Lori Nelson as sisters Penny and Jane Lowe. Penny and Jane are making their way to Los Angeles but they are arrested in some podunk town when they are caught skinny dipping. The girls are sentenced to 30 days in jail for hitchhiking, vagrancy, and skinny dipping. Harsh! Judge Cecilia Steele gives them the choice of county jail or working on a ranch. The girls, along with some of the other young adults sentenced that day, are sent to a ranch owned by Russ Tropp (John Russel) where they will spend their time picking cotton. We learn not everything about this deal is on the up and up, since Tropp gives a $20 per person kickback to the local sheriff (Robert Foulk).

I have nothing snarky to say about this picture

We learn not only does Tropp pay the sheriff for his workforce, he also takes some home, if you get my drift. Lilibet (Jeanne Carmen) is another worker, but had been given the job of Tropp's "housekeeper." However, she is thrown out of the house when it is discovered she was also locking lips with Jackson, a farmhand. Jackson is fired, Lilibet is sent back to the dorm, and a fight breaks out between Lilibet and Penny over one of the beds. Since this is a exploitation film, of course the girls were only half dressed.

The first host segment is a pageant about the life and times of Greg Brady. Apparently one of the girls at the ranch looks shockingly like the oldest of the Brady boys, and Joel and the Bots started calling her Greg during the film. This lead to the pageant. They stumble over a few lines, but generally speaking it was a funny bit.

With Jackson fired, Tropp needs another new farmhand. Bob Steele (Don Burnett), son of Judge Steele, has just returned from military service and needs a job. It turns out that Tropp's farm used to belong to Bob's father, but they sold out to Tropp. Bob is hired to run a harvester.

We are "treated" to a cotton picking scene (ain't they all?), where Bong (Eddie Cochran) sings a song. Trivia time: Eddie was an up and coming musical star but died tragically at the age of 21 in a traffic accident in London while on tour. What's even weirder is that Eddie was good friends with Buddy Holly and Richie Valens, who died only two years earlier in a plane crash.

We learn that Judge Steele and Tropp are having an affair! Shock! Awe! Not only that, he used his own money to get Judge Steele elected. So this Tropp character is a real piece of work: Bribes the sheriff to arrest under-30's on trumped up charges, gets them to work for him for .75 a day, all while having an affair with the judge and at least one of the female prison workers.

The second host segment was a bad idea executed badly. Crow has a flashback to a time when Joel hooked Gypsy's brain to Cambot to see what she was thinking about. The result: Richard Basehart and ram chips. Gypsy was a one-trick pony in these early seasons.

The movie wastes a ton of time with songs and dance scenes. If this were a musical, I'd understand, otherwise, it's just another 50's teen exploitation trope. But wait.... there's a subplot here. Pinky, the cook, overhears Penny's singing and convinces Tropp to let her audition for him for a spot on his tv station (what? Next thing you know, this guy will own the local newspaper, too).

Tropp, of course, makes a move on Penny (who can blame him? It's Mamie freakin' Van Doren!). He's interrupted by Bob, who was sent to the house by Jane, because she was worried about Penny being gone so long. Bob tells Tropp about Baby, who fell ill out in the fields the day before. Penny takes the opportunity to run away, and Tropp sicks his dogs on her (what is he, Mr. Burns?), but Bob saves her by chasing them away.

The next day, Baby faints again while in the field. Bob drives her to the local hospital, where it is discovered that Baby was pregnant. She had a miscarriage during the trip to the hospital dies. Bob goes to his mother and tells him about Baby. Cecilia is surprised to hear this, because Tropp was supposed to get all of the prisoners a medical exam when they arrive at the ranch. Bob also tells his mother that Tropp is feeding the prisoners dog food for dinner. Ick. Cecilia confesses to her son that she married Trop four months ago.

Gypsy makes a surprise appearance in the theatre to show Tom what cotton feels like. It's a weird little bit while Bob and Jane have a heart-to-heart conversation that ends in a kiss. This leads to the third host segment, where Gypsy can't turn off her replicating feature. The console room is covered in cotton. Crow is having fun, and Tom decides to get Gypsy to create other items -- saltwater taffy, paper towels. Joel is having a hard time keeping a straight face during this bit. It's funny up until the end when it kind of falls apart.

Judge Steele has one of the local deputies drop Jane off at her home, and Jane tells the judge everything that happens in the farm, including the part about Tropp getting handsy with the ladies. And then we have another Mamie Van Doren musical bit. This is kind of like a Elvis movie, only Elvis is a blonde girl (and what a girl!).

Bob finds out that Tropp is looking for illegal immigrants to work more fields. Tropp catches Bob and Margarita, a spanish speaking field hand, and tries to have one of his henchman dump them over the border into Mexico. At this point a full on riot breaks out as the prisoners decide they had enough of this nonsense. Jude Steele finally shows up and has Tropp and his men arrested. The prisoners sentences are commuted. Bob and Jane end up together running the ranch, and Penny goes on perform a Calypso song on TV in a cute little Mexican-themed dress. The end!

The episode ends with Joel explaining the purpose behind the goofy character in teen exploitation movies. Joel does a shockingly good impression.

A strong episode for season one. Good riffs, good host segments (except for the second one). The movie itself wasn't that bad. And of course: Mamie Van Doren. Can't go wrong there.

Favorite Riffs: "At least they aren't unbathed youth.", "Somewhere out there is the Ark of the Covenant.", "Boardwalk, Park Place! Think of it! And I'm using the shoe.", "If only Beatniks stuck with pumpkin pie.", "Sauron's dark army?", "It's reaper madness.", "Oh, use drywall screws. They're much better.", "But she fumbled on the fourth down."

This episode was included in the Vol 29 boxed set and can be found online on YouTube and at the Digital Archive Project.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Cosmos: "When Knowledge Conquered Fear"

Original Air Date: March 23, 2014

The episode begins with Dumbledore dropping Harry Potter off at Neil deGrasse Tyson's house in the middle of a desert. Wait, no... that's not right.

Neil tells the story of how ancient cultures were able to use pattern recognition to read the night sky to determine their location and the time of year. To be able to predict migrations, seasons, plant ripening, etc. And when a comet breaks that cycle by affecting the night sky, these early civilizations would read these celestial bodies as signs of an impeding disaster. In fact, the word "disaster" comes from a Greek word meaning "bad star".

However, our knowledge of what a comet is, and where is comes from, conquered the fear associated with these alien flaming balls of doom. The show introduces us to the Oort Cloud, an area of the solar system where asteroids reside. These asteroids, covered in ice, are pulled into an elliptical orbit and become comets. The cloud, Tyson explains was named for Dutch astronomer Jan Oort, who first proposed the notion of the cloud. Oort is quite the astronomical superhero -- not only did he deduce the existence of this cloud, he also was the first to accurately measure our sun's distance of the center of our galaxy, as well as be the first astronomer to use a radio telescope map the Milky Way.

We follow a comet from the Oort cloud through the outer solar system to Mars, where heat from the sun begins to melt the ice in a comet and create its tail. The comet is scene on Earth, in 1664. A plague and the Great Fire of London soon followed -- assuredly these were predicted by the comet! Edmund Halley, then a child, was fascinated by this comet and other heavenly bodies. Haley was the first person to completely map the night sky of the southern hemisphere -- an important map to merchants and explorers as it helped them navigate.

Next we move on to scientific bad-ass and all around grumpy gus Robert Hooke. I have to admit that by this point in the episode, I started getting a little concerned that we were going off on a tangent. Hooke created Hooke's law of elasticity, invented the compound microscope, and was a serious drug addict. Where are we going with this, Neil?

At a random coffee house, Hooke and Halley would chat with other greats of their time, like Christopher Wren. The three of them got stuck on a specific problem -- why did planets move the way they did through the night sky? Wren and Hooke could not do the calculations, but apparently there was someone who could -- Isaac Newton. Halley went looking for Newton, who was in hiding after getting in a public dispute with Hooke over his work on the light spectrum. Newton apparently had already calculated the mathematical formula for describing the force of gravity, along with describing universal laws of motion. Halley encouraged Newton to write three volumes on the laws of motion and gravity, which were then edited and published by Halley. One of Newton's ideas was that it was possible for a projectile to be launch with enough force to leave the gravity of Earth. Newton also explained comets -- not only what they were, but why they moved the way they did.

One of the most interesting things I learned this episode was all of the things Edmund Halley had accomplished: He was the first to map the magnetic field of the Earth, perfected the diving bell, invented the weather map, measured the distance from the Earth to the Sun, and discovered that all stars are in motion. And, of course, he also studied the eyewitness accounts of all comet over a three hundred year period, eventually discovering the occurrence of a particular comet -- one that reappears every 76 years.

While the beginning of this episode made it sound like it was about comets, in reality it was about the discovery of the laws of gravity -- an essential event in or scientific maturation as a civilization. The episode seems to meander a little as it took some time to talk about Robert Hooke, but got back on track as is focused on Halley and Newton.

Cosmos: "Some of the Things That Molecules Do"

Original Air Date: March 16, 2014

It's been a hectic week at the Scott household, so I will try to make up both of the past two episodes of Cosmos today.

Neil deGrasse Tyson does his best Liam Neeson/Jack London impression has he talks about how wolves evolved into dogs through a decrease in stress hormones and eventual domestication by early humans. Neil describes what happens as artificial selection, as humans control the selection and breeding of dogs. The reason why there are shepherds, collies, yorkies and pitbulls is because humanity bred wolves into desirable dogs.

Neil goes on to describe natural selection. He does this by taking our Spaceship of the Imagination inside an ancient bear. Neil describes how DNA is split and copied when producing reproductive cells, and how that copied DNA can have "proofreading" errors, causing mutations. Some mutations, Neil points out, are harmless, some are deadly, and others give organisms an advantage. Our example bear gives birth to a white furred offspring. That white bear succeeds better in the snowy environs of the ice age. The bear and its descendents prosper, leading to the creation of the polar bear.

The show goes on to explain that humanity evolved, too. Darwin's theory of this evolution, he admits, is controversial. He knows that it is embarrassing for us to admit their relationship to the ape. It's even stranger to think of our relationship to trees, which exists at the basic level of sugar digestion.

Neil deconstructs Intellectual Design's proof of a great designer by explaining that evolution can and did create the human eye. He explains how the eye evolved from a sensitive light area on the earliest of bacterium to the intricate eye of a fish, and why a human eye will never be as efficient because it first developed for seeing underwater.

As a Christian, it frustrates me that my compatriots have such a hard time accepting the facts of evolution. I understand the desire to hold to the creation story in Genesis, because accepting that story as a parable opens the entire Bible, even the death and resurrection of Christ, to scrutiny. But I believe in a God that allows both to happen. And that's all I am going to say about that.

Silly ol' waterbear!

The show then talks about the Five Great Extinctions, focusing on the worst of them all -- the Permian event. It began with mass volcanic eruptions and ended with the extension of 90% of the species on Earth. Through each of the extinctions, though, one of the lifeforms that survived was one you probably never heard of: the teeny tardigrade. The tardigrade can survive in a multitude of extreme conditions, from ice to excessive heat.

The existence of the tardigrade does allow scientists to speculate that life can exist in other extreme conditions, like other planets. Like the frigid moon Titan, for example, where all water is frozen and it rains methane. Neil takes the Spaceship of Imagination to Titan and asks: could life exist here? Life like none we have ever seen?

Finally, we are treated with an animation from the original Cosmos, that showed a potential unbroken line of life from the earliest microbes to humanity

Another great episode, this time focusing on Earth and it's life rather than the rest of the cosmos. In order to understand "out there", we must first understand here.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Cosmos: "Standing Up in the Milky Way"

Original Air Date: March 9, 2014

As a child, I was vaguely aware of the importance of Carl Sagan. Having been born in the late 70's, I was not old enough to watch the original Cosmos (I was 4 1/2 when it first aired). I have watched a few episodes of the series recently, although I have not yet watched the original series in its entirety.

When I learned that Neil deGrasse Tyson would be hosting a new version of Cosmos, produced by Sagan's wife Ann Druyan and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, I knew it was something I had to watch. Astrophysics has always been a huge interest of mine. If I hadn't gotten a degree in computer science, I might have gotten one in astrophysics.

I first became aware of Neil deGrasse Tyson when I watched a few episodes of Nova ScienceNow. I became more fascinated with him when I saw his first appearance on The Daily Show. I don't necessarily agree with every opinion he has, but I am willing to watch any show he is on. Combine that with a Cosmos sequel, and I'm there!

The first episode starts with quotes from Carl Sagan. We then meet Neil, on Earth. Neil describes the basic premise of the show -- we will travel throughout the universe in our own Spaceship of the Imagination, which will be used to visualize what is being described during the course of the series. This is the same vehicle (pun intended) that Carl Sagan used in the original Cosmos series.

The episode continues with a basic overview of the Earth and its location in the cosmos. It's "address", so to speak. The show takes time to talk about the sun, and the inner planets, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, and Saturn. I was a bit disappointed by the fact that Uranus and Neptune were mere afterthoughts.

From there, the show travels out beyond the edge of the solar system. It briefly mentions that in between the solar systems and galaxies is matter we can't see, like rogue planets (frankly I found this section slightly out of place). It then continues outwards to show the whole Milk Way galaxy, followed by the Local Group of galaxies, the Virgo Supercluster, and finally, the Observable Universe.

Neil reminds us that we might be physically small, but we don't think small. He then begins the story of when humanity learned it was not the center of the universe. To do this, the show talks first about Copernicus and his theory that the Earth was not the center of the universe. This was a scandalous idea at the time, and rejected by the church which controlled most of the civilized world. The show then tells the story of a Dominican Monk I had never heard of: Giordano Bruno. Bruno was a monk who came up with his own ideas of the universe after read Copernicus, as well as Lucretius's De rerum natura.

Bruno was expelled from his Order for his belief that the Earth was not the center of the universe, but this did not stop him from continuing. In fact, he expanded on his belief to a vision similar to our own model of the universe. What I love about Bruno is that in all of this, he still believed in a Creator God. His vision of an infinite God only helped with his infinite cosmology. Bruno traveled across Europe with his message of a infinite universe. He was eventually arrested in Italy, tried, and found guilty of heresy. He was martyred in 1600.

The show explains the creation and expansion of the universe by compressing the entire history of the universe up until now into a calendar year. I have seen this before, I believe in the original Cosmos. In fact, some, of not a lot of the wording, is the same as the original version. In this compressed state, starts do not begin to form until January 10th. Our sun is not created until August 31st. Life does not occur until December 17th. The dinosaurs go extinct the morning of December 30th. Humanity has been around for about an hour. All of recorded history has happened in the last 14 seconds.

The episode ends with Neil telling a personal story of the first time he met Carl Sagan. It was a sweet story about a day in 1974 when Carl invited Neil to spend the afternoon with him in Ithica, NY.

For the most part, I enjoyed this first episode. I appreciate the fact that the producers gave a nod not only to Carl Sagan, but the original Cosmos itself. There were many parts of this episode that were very similar to parts of Cosmos I had previously watched -- possibly all from the first episode (I'm not sure).

I look forward to next week.

MST3K: 111 - Moon Zero Two

But they hadn't watched Moon Zero One yet!

The episode opens with Joel explaining the premise once again. He encourages the viewer to get a healthy snack during the commercial. Magic Voice's audio stinks.

Joel's invention exchange is food teleportation. It's a cute effect, but it's not very fun. Look, I'm a bit of a big guy. I like my food. I like eating my food. Food teleportation wouldn't get it done for me. Still, it's a funny effect. The Mads mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpaste is just strange.

The experiment this week is Moon Zero Two, a 1969 Hammer Films science fiction movie. It's got a former astronaut turn salvager, asteroids made of pure sapphire, dead miners, and claim jumping. The movie is advertised as a "western in space." I can think of two other examples, both of which are much better sci-fi stories. On the bright side, it's the second color film in a row!

The movie begins with an atrocious earworm of a theme song. Joel likes it enough to dance to, even while standing on row of theater seats. The opening credits is a rather standard late 60's animated sequence which give us the general set up of the movie: The US and Russia land on the moon and fight over control. Meanwhile private companies take over the space industry, and even build a resort on the moon.

We meet Bill Kemp (James Olsen) and partner Korminski (Ori Levy): satellite scavengers. Their salvage ship is 10 year old space ferry (although it looks like a lunar lander) named "Moon 02". They complete a salvage operation and land back on the moon, pissing of a commercial flight from the Earth while doing so.

On a monorail from the spaceport to Moon City, Kemp meets Clementine Taplin (Bond girl Catherine Schell). Ms. Taplin was supposed to meet her brother Wallace, a miner on the far side of the moon, at the spaceport, but he never arrives. Oh, the stewardess on the shuttle? Carol Freaking Cleveland. Clementine starts getting concerned when Wallace is not at Moon City, either. Unfortunately, they can't communicate with the far side of the moon right now because a communications satellite was recently damaged.

We also learn that Kemp is constantly in trouble. Security Chief Elizabeth Murphy (Adrienne Corri, from A Clockwork Orange, among other things) is constantly suspicious of his activities. Kemp has been fined multiple times for safety violations in his ship.

The first host segment of the show is a moon landing pageant. Tom gets the date of the moon landing wrong - July 22nd instead of July 20th. Crow gets the good part - he plays Neil Armstrong. Joel gets to play both JFK (with Marilyn Monroe headshot) and Buzz Aldrin. Tom gets shafted by playing Houston. & Michael Collins. Not the funniest one ever.

The movie returns with a group of women dancing at a bar in Moon City where Kemp and another pilot are having a drink in the memory of Otto Van Beck, another pilot who recently died in an accident. We get a call back to a riff from last week when Joel says "I kinda miss the moon, you guys." Harry, a valet for local big-wig business man J. J. Hubbard (Warren Mitchell) forces Kemp by gunpoint to visit Hubbard. Hubbard had hired Beck's ship for a job, but now that Beck's dead, Hubbard wants Kemp to do it. He asks Kemp to help crash an asteroid made of sapphire on the moon. This is highly illegal, so Hubbard bribes Kemp with a brand new space ferry. Kemp, Korminski, and Hubbards two goons (Harry and Whitsun) take off to intercept the asteroid.

The second host segment is a discussion of games in the future, prompted by the use of "Moonopoly" in the movie. Now I know Moonopoloy looked dumb to the gang, but in reality Monopoly was originally based on Atlantic City, and in recent years there have been many different versions (Star Wars, Doctor Who, Garfield...) including versions for different cities or metropolitan areas. But I digress. The host segment is witty, but not all that funny.

The gang reach the asteroid, place three rockets on it, and fire the rockets to change its trajectory. They will return in three days for the final stage of the plan, causing the asteroid to hit the far side of the moon.

Insert "hot chick" joke here.

Clementine meets a group of miners that just returned from the far side. None of them had seen her brother in months. We find out that a claim has a two year limit - if a miner doesn't find anything, he gives up the claim to someone else. Wallace's two years is up in three days. Kemp says he will fly Clementine to the far side so they can find her brother so to the claim does not become void. A fight breaks out when Harry tries to convince Kemp not to look for Clementine's brother. Kemp turns off the extra gravity, and we are subjected to a "low gravity" (aka slow mo) bar fight.

Kemp and Korminski take Clementine to a base on the far side of the moon. Kemp and Clementine rent a two-person "moonbug" ground vehicle to drive out to Wallace's claim. After 24 hours, they reach the claim. Clementine finds nickel, which is a mineable rock -- so Wallace can keep his claim. Then they find Wallace, or what's left of him. It appears he died when he accidently ran out of oxygen in his suit. The two of them return to the moonbug, but soon find three other men at the claim. A firefight ensues.

Who turned off the lights?

OK, so, I know this is a movie and all, but guns wouldn't work on the moon. A gun works by igniting gunpowder inside the casing of a bullet. There is no oxygen on the moon, so there is not enough fuel to ignite and cause the bullet to be fired. Anyway, Kemp is able to kill all three of the men with his gun-that-shouldn't-work, but their moonbug is out of commision. They take another bug that was at the claim and drive it back to the fireside base.

In the third host segment, Crow and Tom have an argument over who is the better looking girl in the movie (Schell vs Corri). The argument escalates into fisticuffs, and Joel presses the "Zero-G Switch" to reenact the lame fight scene from the movie.

Kemp and Clementine drive Wallace's heavy-duty bug, but it's heavily damaged. The bug is low on power and can't use the climate controls system. As the sun comes up, the temperature increases rapidly. The cabin pressure drops and the two escape before the bug overheats and explodes. However, the base is within their sight. They are able to walk the rest of the way back to the farside base, where Murphy is waiting to arrest Kemp. He reveals that Wallace was murdered (by replacing the air in one of his bottles with cyanide), so that Hubbard can use the claim to land the sapphire asteroid. Hubbard, Harry, and Whitsun arrive, and Harry kills Murphy when she tries to arrest them.

Hello....Hello....Hello. Hello!

Hubbard forces Kemp by gunpoint to intercept the asteroid and crash it on the moon. Karminski and Clementine are able to kill Harry and another of Hubbard's henchman and take control of the ship. Kemp starts the engines on the asteroid with Hubbard and Whitsun still attached. The asteroid crashes, Hubbard and Whitsun die, and it is revealed that because Wallace had found nickel, Clementine has rights to the claim, including the crashed sapphire.

At the end of the movie, Joel and the Bots play good thing/bad thing. We see Gypsy for the first time in a few weeks, and her light is finally on! She answers "Richard Basehardt" again, and gets a ram chip. Joel reads a letter.

Some observations about the movie: Why is it that sci-fi movies from the 60's think the future will look like the 60's? And what was with everything using the word "moon"? "Moon Flower" drink, "Moon City", "Moon Dollars", "Moon Fargo". This isn't an episode of Batman! The different outsides the dancers in the bar had to wear were just ridiculous.

The riffs come fast and furious in this episode, which is something we hadn't really seen earlier in the show. Joel and the Bots are at the top of their game. The host segments are decent but not great. The movie was silly enough to be entertaining. In the end, it was a very good episode for the first season of the show.

Favorite Riffs: "Hey, great club. No atmosphere.", "Uh, Houston, are central air is here, but they didn't send the duct work. Over.", "Hey, he flipped them off.", "Look at my stripes, of course I'm captain Kemp!", "In the future, bras will grow on the moon. Cross my heart.", "How's the egg coming?", "In space, no one can art direct.", "And so, they set out in the wiener car in search of the giant kielbasa.", "Bury my turtle hat at Wounded Knee."

This episode is available on Amazon Instant Video, YouTube, and the Digital Archive Project.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

MST3K: 110 - Robot Holocaust

Nobody expects the Robot Holocaust!

This episode begins with Joel stating the premise of the show. He then goes into The Hu-Man blues, with Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot on harmonica. Joel can't really dance. Or sing.

The Mads are not impressed with Joel's invention, the "nitro-burning funny pipe", a combination of a monster truck and tobacco pipe, because apparently Joel thinks it's a great injustice that you can't smoke in a stadium. Yeah, um, OK. The Mads show off their invention, the Stocking Mask of the Future, with articulated eyebrows. This one is a little funny, but not much.

This week's experiment starts with another Radar Men from the Moon short: "Chapter Nine: Battle in the Stratosphere". Instead of going through the whole credits, Joel and the Bots enter during the episode title card. Cody and Ted escape from the moon men that were chasing them. They take the Lumarium they stole and put it on their ship. The group of them begin to take off and then...the film breaks.

You can tell Larry did it.

OK, that's weird. We don't see that again in the series. Apparently Robot Holocaust is too short for a full episode, but long enough that they can't watch all of a Commando Cody short, so Best Brains decides the best way to deal with it is to just cut it short. Strange. Joel walks back to Cambot to check what's going on. Hey, look! Joel's wearing glasses!

That is the last we will see of Radar Men from the Moon. The Mads never subject Joel to the rest of the serial.

After the commercial, Joel has the film fixed and it's set for the start of the movie. Robot Holocaust is a 1986 sci-fi movie set on New Terra, a planet controlled by evil robots. It is the first color movie shown in the nationally televised series. The film was released in theaters in Italy, but was a direct-to-video release in the United States. This is the edited for television version, since the original contains nudity. As you read the plot, you might notice it seems a little familiar.

The inhabitants of New Terra have been decimated by a robot uprising. Those that remain live around the outskirts of the one surviving city on the planet or as slaves to the robots. Neo (Norris Culf), a drifter and outcast, enters the ruins of a building to investigate what appears to be some kind of fight. Through narration, we learn that the surviving humans are split into two groups -- the Air Slaves, slaves of their robot overlords, and outsiders who live in the wastelands and are resistant to the poisonous air. As Neo watches, the fight continues. A pickpocketing robot, Klyton (J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner), works his way through the crowd.

Neo catches Klyton, shuts it off, and communicates with it telepathically (...err?). The robot is used to tell the basic premise -- the Air Slaves work in a factory to feed power to the Dark One, who is the evil overlord of New Terra. The Dark One keeps the Air Slaves in check by having the strong ones fight to the death. The winner is taken to see the Dark One as a reward, and is quietly killed. So, yeah: post-apocalyptic future, humans used to give energy to robots, a protagonist named Neo; boy, this sounds familiar.

The movie cuts to The Dark One's right hand woman, Valaria (Angelika Jager). Valaria is upset, and the Dark One (which is just a disembodied voice) wants to know why. Valaria explains "something is wrong".

I have to take a second to talk about this actress. Angelika Jager never appears in another film, and why is obvious. Her acting is atrocious. She makes no sense. She does not convey any kind of emotion at all throughout this movie. This is the worst acting we have seen so far in this show.

But I digress. Back at the fight, we learn that it is at a stalemate, "No winner, no winner!" shouts the onlookers. Torque, the crawdad robot controlling the fight, orders one of the fighters to kill the other. This upsets Deeja (Nadine Hartstein) and her father Jorn (Michael Downend). Apparently they didn't know these were fights to the death. Maybe they should have tried to telepathically communicate with Klyton, too.

The crowd continues to protest and Deeja pulls a knife. Apparently Deeja isn't aware that robots are made of metal. Torque prepares to blast Deeja's head off, but Valaria uses a control panel to remove the air from the room. Everyone begins to choke except for Jorn and Deeja, but Jorn tells her daughter to fake it. Torque is confused and demands Jorn to identify himself. He refuses, unless the air can be restored, and the easily manipulated robot gives in. Torque kills both of the gladiators, and Jorn orders Deeja to hide among the masses to protect herself.

The first (rather lackluster) host segment has Servo and Crow dressed as humans from the movie. Joel enters and is told that he is in the "We Zone", where everything that is done is to entertain Crow and Servo. They demand Joel do his disappearing coin trick, and he complies (poorly). Joel makes faces and does a fake handstand, and then goes down to the galley for some lunch.

Jorn refuses to say anything of value, and is taken to the power plant by Torque. Deeja tries to follow, but is stopped by Neo and his new best buddy, ~~Jar-Jar Binks~~ Klyton. Deeja shows everyone that she is wearing a device which helps her breathe...I guess. Neo tells her that she was sent here by the "Rebel Society" (Ro Epsilon Beta!) from the Wastelands. (The boys of R.E.B are forming an army to destroy the Dark One. Bobby thought of it while watching The Wall last night. He was so high!) Neo informs Deeja that he is on the way to the power plant to meet someone, so they can destroy the Dark One and regain control of New Terra.

New Terra is obviously Earth, because all of a sudden we are greeted with Central Park, complete with the Chrysler Building in background. As our plucky band of misfits walk casually through Central Park, they are confronted by a group of savage women (hey there, baby). Nyla, the leader, confronts the group, calling the place the "She Zone" (now host segment one makes sense). Nyla explains that her tribe are warrior women that capture men, cut out their tongues, use them for reproduction, and then have them killed. And hey, look, there's a visual aid over in the trees: Kai (Andrew Howarth), their last mate. Kai looks slightly like 1980's ega Ted Nugent, and Joel and the Bots start calling him The Nuge.

One of the Air Slaves draws his sword to attack. Neo suggests a fair fight, and so a traditional Amazonian knife fight ensues between Nyla and one of the Air Slaves. The Air Slave easily out grapples Nyla, but Neo stops the fight before the death blow. Nyla becomes the property of the Neo based on the rules of her tribe, which seems rather odd since they hate men so much. Nyla promises to help ghdm go to the power station, but then swears to kill them when her debt is paid. Neo also convinces her to let Kai, the boy toy, come along.

Speaking of toys, Valaria sneaks down into the basement of the power station for a quick session in the Pleasure Machine, which is basically an Orgasmatron. We cut to commercial, because this is basic cable. When we return, the naughty bits (with bare breasts and dancing) have been cut, and Valaria is being scolded by the Dark One for using the Pleasure Machine without permission -- it's supposed to be a reward. Jorn is brought to Valaria to be interrogated, which appears to involve asking him some questions in a bad accent. Jorn is taken to "The Crystal" where he is shown that the Dark One is able to see what Neo and his band of misfits are up to. There is no explanation how this is accomplished, and we don't see evidence of this monitoring ourselves, but we are assured by everyone on the screen that the Dark One know about Neo and Deeja.

Neo somehow is able to sense they are being watched, and so he takes his warrior, cleric, mage, and paladin into the Kobold tunnels... I mean into the caverns. In the tunnels, Nyla warns them of the sewage worms -- pink sock puppets that make you laugh yourself to death. Neo's team-o-rebels carve their way through the deadly worms, but not without taking wounds. They make it to the other side of the caverns only to be attacked by a group of mutants, One of the Air Slaves dies, but the others are able to escape after the lamest battle scene that was ever shot on film.

In the second host segment, Servo and Crow are pretending they are in a sitcom. Unfortunately, Cambot's sitcom simulator goes haywire and starts adding a laugh track for just about every thing that happens. It's like I'm watching an episode of Two and a Half Men. The horror!

As the movie continues, the Scooby Gang reach the power station. Valaria continues to question Jorn and reveals the Dark One to him. Up to this point, I assumed the Dark One was a computer, but apparent he's a monster or something. Of course, the audience doesn't get to see, we only hear labored breathing. So... Darth Vader?

Jason and his Argonauts find an entrance to the subway, which somehow takes them to some kind of basement that will lead them to the power station. At this point we are only halfway through the movie. Seriously? Ugh. ~~C3P0~~ Klyton informs the group that that are in the Vault of Beasts, and that there are traps for intruders. Meanwhile, some of the Air Slaves decide it's a good idea to start a revolt. How convenient. They decide to bring sand instead of fuel to the furnaces that power the plant.

The gang try to make their way through the Vault of Beasts. A trap door opens, dropping an Air Slave about 4 feet. They encounter spider webs and are attacked by the leg of a giant spider. We never see the spider, just one leg. The rag-tag group of misfits continue to explore the same basement set over...and over... and over while Valaria ineffectively questions Jorn. Finally, the Dark One decides that Jorn should become "one with him" (ewwww).

he troop moves on to the Chamber of Dispair. One of the slaves is killed (ala John Hurt in Alien) by a surveillance drone, Klyton short circuits an electrified gate, and Kai defuses a bomb. Klyton uses some explosives he happened to have with him to get them through the Iron Wall, and our Band of Brothers is finally in the power station. Valaria discovers that the Dark One's power supply is low (due to the lack of fuel), and the Dark One gets unhappy and threatens Valaria. She promises to bring Deeja to the Dark One.

The third host segment has Crow, Servo, and Joel playing "Robot Holocaust". Crow and Joel decide they don't want to play along when Servo does the narration and makes himself to be the hero. Crow also has a problem with wearing real fur.

As the movie slowly starts coming to some kind of resolution, Torque and two guardbots incompetently attack Luke and the Rebel Alliance. Valaria appears, kidnaps Deeja, and takes her to the Dark One. The Dark One is pleases, but decides to kill Valaria anyway. A machine explodes in her face and Valaria, now revealed to be a robot, turns on the Dark One. She throws a switch that will do...something... to destroy the power station in five minutes. Kai is killed. The Dark One questions Deeja while Joel oggles her. The Dark One wants to know how she and her father are able to breathe the poison air.

In the script, his last name is Hass.

Nyla sacrifices herself to save Neo. Unfortunately, while she does so, she accidentally flips the switch that Valaria had previously turned on. That's got to be the lamest way to extend a movie plot ever. Valaria changes her mind again and returns to help the Dark One. She suggests that they show what has happened to Deeja's father. It is revealed that Jorn has been "engulfed by the dark one". We can see his head sticking out of some fleshy egg like sack; it's not exactly clear what gives here.

Torque attacks Neo again. Neo thinks it's a bright idea to try to use a sword, or worse, his hands, to defeat a robot. After failing to dispose of the monster, our hero decides to make a run for it. Valaria some how comes to the determination that now that Jorn has been absorbed by the Dark One and has given the Dark One all his knowledge (why did they need Deeja then?), the Air Slaves could all be eliminated. Why is never explained.

Klyton kills Valaria with his ray gun (why wasn't this used more often?). Neo kills Torque with a sword (um..what?). Jorn begs Deeja to kill him, but she refuses. Neo, not at all adverse to killing the father of a hot chick, uses Klyton's laser to kill both the Dark One and Jorn. Klyton restores the atmosphere, saving the Air Slaves. So ends the sad tale of Avocado Boy.

Joel and the Bots ask viewers to write in with ideas for giving Jord a new name. The winners are read during Women of the Prehistoric Planet. They read a letter from a father and his son.

I'm a little torn about this episode. The riffs were great, especially when they harass Valaria for her horrible diction. However, the movie was very tedious. It was laughable, but there were some sections were I found my mind wandering. The riffs do save the movie, and in the end I do think it's one of the better episodes of the first season.

Favorite Riffs: "Actually, it's more telepatheticly", "And over here we did 'Shakespeare in the Slagheap', it was very nice.", "Look, it's the Bengals!", "Where is the room of questions?", "This whole movie is just socks and violence.", "If you were a twee, what kind of twee would you be?", "How did Rosencrantz and Guildenstern get in this film?", "That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the liberators of Earth.", "You know, I kind of miss Earth, you guys.", "Hey, get me: I'm a appetizer. I'm giving out spores!"

This episode is available on Amazon Instant Video, YouTube, and the Digital Archive Project.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

MST3K: 109 - Project Moon Base

The episode starts with Joel drying off the Bots, who just had a good cleaning. Again, they are in bathrobes. Looks comfortable. Magic Voice sounds like she has a cold. When they come back from commercial, the three of them are playing pictionary when Dr. Forrester and Dr. Erhardt call. Dr. Forrester calls Joel his little "spunk dumpling." Wow, that's dirty.

Joel's invention is a type of ping pong paddle you can use to juggle water. The effect is easy enough to figure out, although it's still neat to see it work. The Mads counter with Insect-a-Sketch, a rather brilliantly evil way of combining an Etch-a-Sketch with an ant farm.

This week's experiment includes the movie Project Moon Base as well as two episodes of Radar Men from the Moon. I think Best Brains had started getting bored with writing for the Cody shorts, because they started going out of the box this episode. Joel's use of the Batman-style sound effect words is actually pretty clever. It's too bad they didn't use them again.

Watching the same credits over and over again gets old, so during Chapter 8, Joel and the Bots make up a rather weak theme song. I'm not sure why they didn't cut out the credits, unless they just needed to pad the episode a little. Tom Servo hears "Atlantic City" and starts on the "Slowy I turn" Vaudeville routine. The problem is that the original bit is about Niagara Falls, not Atlantic City. Cody and his gang go back to the moon. They use the same footage; Joel and the Bots use the same jokes. While I read somewhere that The Crawling Eye had a "by this time my lungs were aching for air" reference, I must have missed it. But I definitely noticed it here. This becomes a recurring quote starting next season.

In the first host segment, Tom Servo pretends to be Commando Cody; Joel flies him around the console room. Crow is dressed as Krog, but can't really get into the act. I know this isn't the best host segment, but Servo is freaking adorable in his helmet and rocket pack.

The movie is Project Moon Base, a 1953 black-and-white sci-fi film about the construction of a moon base 20 years in the future. From what I have read from several sources, this was apparently the pilot of a TB show called Ring Around the Moon that was scrapped and later reedited with extra footage and distributed as a movie. The original TV pilot was written by sci-fi legend Robert freakin Heinlein, but Heinlein later disavowed the work.

The movie opens with some sort of spy agency looking to sabotage America's space station. The agency's boss, Mr. Roundtree (Herb Jacobs) directs his section chiefs to find a spy that can double for a scientist who will be flying to the space station shortly. A spy (Larry Johns) is found who can double for a Dr. Wernher, who will be setting off on a mission to look for a place on the moon to establish a moon base. Roundtree and his men intercept Wernher in his hotel room and replace him with their spy. The spy is instructed to destroy the space station by either setting off a bomb on the station or by ramming his transport ship into the station.

As the fake Wernher is taken through security, Gen. Greene (Hayden Rorke of I Dream of Jeanie fame) talks with Major Bill Moore (Ross Ford), who will be piloting the ship around the moon. The General takes a telegram from the President, which informs him that Col. Briteis (Donna Martell -- what a cutie!) will be heading the mission instead. Briteis was the first astronaut to orbit the Earth and Major Moore is still ticked about this, because it was supposed to be his assignment. Briteis was smaller and they needed to lower the weight of the rocket. Moore is assigned as co-pilot, which he balks at, but is convinced otherwise by Gen. Greene. Also... shocker... Briteis is a girl! There's a sign of progress in the future! Although in private everyone calls her "Bright Eyes" instead of "Brite Ice", which irritates her. While Col. Briteis is very confrontational with the General, which just doesn't fly in the military, Greene is very unprofessional in retaliation. He even warns that he's going to spank her, which is either sexist or a pick up line (I'm not sure which). So much for that progress.

Host segment two is a fashion show of ties from the future, based on the fact that in the movie, everyone wears a short tie. Servo starts off the show in the "hexfield body tie" from the year 4000. Joel wears the anti-gravi-tie. Crow wears a tie from the year 9000 that can clean up after it's wearer. Servo returns in tie that can lengthen and shorten based on the whims of the fashion elite.

General Greene gives a interview to magazine journalist Polly Prattles (Barbara Morrison) and... wait a second. "Prattles"? "Briteis"? What horrible names. Heinlein or someone else on the production team really seems to hate women. Anyway, Greene is giving an interview, and as he describes the space station, it appears obvious based on his stop-and-start tone that he really doesn't understand what he's talking about. Joel holds up cue cards to help out. The film's writers do a good job of describing how orbit and weightlessness works, but uses the term "freefall" incorrectly.

We get our second saucy joke of the episode when Joel starts imitating porn guitar as the ship docks with the space station. The special effects in this movie really aren't that bad. Split screen is used when people in the space station are walking on the floor and ceiling at the same time. The effect is obvious (at least in 2014), but it's at least nicely accomplished.

Once upon a time, she was falling in love.
Now she's only falling apart.

Briteis, Moore, and the fake Wernher take off in their battery pack lunar lander on a trip around the moon. Wernher asks a lot of questions to Col. Briteis about how the ship works, and Moore starts to get suspicious. His suspicions grow as Wernher doesn't know how to work the camera. Moore goes with the traditional baseball question in order to discover that Wernher is a spy. I guess bad guys don't watch baseball. I wonder: in Russian spy movies, does the good guy catch the spy by asking him about soccer? Moore and the spy grapple while the ship flies out of control. Briteis is able to turn off the thrusters and Moore subdues the spy.

The third host segment is a first season classic - SPACOM! Use it for everything from rust removal to a afternoon snack. The color change affect is kind of cheesy, but the bit in general is priceless.

Due to the spy attempting to take over the ship, they must make an emergency landing on the lunar surface. They land successfully, but do not have the necessary fuel to return to the space station. During this part of the movie, there are a lot of sound effects involving puffs of air escaping (from somewhere). Joel and the Bots milk it for all it's worth with fart jokes. I know it's lowbrow, but I laughed because I have the the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

Since they landed on the dark side of the moon, Major Moore and the spy (who turns over a new leaf) head out of the ship in order to set up a radio relay to be able to contact the space station. Moore sets up the relay and on the way back down a small hill, the spy falls and is killed. I'm not sure I buy this -- it's wasn't very high up and the Moon is only 1/6th the gravity of Earth.

Moore barely makes it back to the ship before running out of air. He lies unconscious for five hours will Briteis attempts to make radio contact with SPACOM. When Moore awakens, he tells Briteis to switch to channel three, which works. Not sure why she didn't try that herself, but, whatever. Briteis informs SPACOM of their situation, which is quite a surprise. General Greene calls back, and informs Moore and Briteis that they are now a moon base. They need to ration their food for 10 days until they more supplies can be brought in. General Greene orders Briteis to leave the room, and suggests to Moore that he should propose to Briteis. The President thinks it seems unseemly to have the two of them living together on the makeshift base by themselves for weeks if not months. Fortunately, Moore has had feelings for Briteis this whole time. Seriously, that's the plan. They should get married. Remember that "progress" I talked about earlier? Yeah, never mind that.

Briteis hears the whole conversation and apparently likes the idea, but Moore chickens out (the wuss!). SPACOM sends a drone rocket with materials to Moore and Briteis. They make the "It's a V2, he could have had a V8" joke for the second time this season.

At some point off screen, Moore does propose to Briteis. They are married by General Greene and are then contacted by the President, who is also a woman. Okay, maybe there has been some progress. Moore is promoted to Brigadier General and put in charge of the base. This makes Moore now a higher rank than his wife, Briteis (\Moore? Moore-Briteis?), and that's how the movie ends. Joel and the Bots actually boo because the ending was such a let down.

Joel and the Bots read some letters, including a Christmas card. They must produce episodes rather close to the air date if they are reading cards and letters that would be about a month old at the most. Joel asks when they would be getting some color movies and Dr. Forrester scoffs.

A so-so episode. Not bad for season one. The SPACOM host segment was funny, and the riffs were OK. You can tell their are starting to get tired of Commando Cody (I know I am).

The film was release by "Lippert Pictures". Robert L. Lippert produced Rocketship X-M and Lost Continent, both of which are shown during season two.

Favorite Riffs: "Hey, that guy wrenched is back.", "He really socketted that guy.", "Ooo, he bench-pressed him.", "He hasn't been able to lift heavy bombs since his hernia.", "It's his radio flyer.", "They've got homicide doors on that thing.", "Spacom! Woodfill and meat substitute.", "She's absolutely ballistic!", "Look, the Grande Tetons." (that's the third saucy line this episode!), "That's one small step for special effects, one giant leap for our imagination.", "WMOON TV has canceled its broadcast day. We will resume programming at 7 a.m. And now, our national anthem.", "The President thinks, that's something new!", "How about an air mattress slathered in butter?" (Servo, you're a pervert!), "I love the smell of SPACOM in the morning. It smells like chicory."

This episode was included in the Vol 20 DVD set, and is also available on Amazon Instant Video, YouTube, Metacafe, and the Digital Archive Project.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

MST3K: 108 - The Slime People

It's a biography of Hollywood lawyers

The episodes opens with Joel and Servo having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Crow, however, is irritatingly chipper. Joel calls Servo by the wrong name (again). I'm not sure if this was on purpose because he was still half asleep or a slip up during filming. This is the second week in a row Joel is in a robe. I suspect this was to go with the Saturday morning theme (the show aired Saturday mornings at 10 Eastern during the early seasons).

Before the invention exchange, Joel is playing three card monte with the Bots. I know I'm breaking the "don't worry how he eats and breathes" rule, but where did the Bots get money? Wouldn't it just be Joel's money to begin with? Joel's invention, the "wow, she's hot" cartoon goggles is probably the lamest invention this season. Meanwhile, the Mads' screaming cotton candy is just... wrong. Its voice sounds like Pee Wee Herman.

Joel and the Bots start with Radar Men from the Moon Chapter 6: "Hills of Death". You know, I think Cody has wrecked more cars than a NASCAR race. Retik instructs Krog to explode a small nuclear bomb in a volcano in order to start an eruption. The eruption supposedly would cause torrential rains and flooding. I'm not sure why they just didn't detonate the bomb in a populated area, like New York City. Ah, the early 50's. We get our first "Krakatoa, east of Java!" riff. This chapter ends with Graber throwing a rock at Cody, causing Cody to tumble off a cliff. I'm not sure why anyone considers this a cliffhanger (asides from the cliff...). Cody can fly.

There's a slight blue tint to the Cody serial and movie. This is to help make Joel and the Bots easier to see. The seats are again black and you can tell they are now using a better bluescreen process.

The movie is The Slime People, a 1963 horror movie produced by Joseph F. Robertson, the evil genius who inflicted us with The Crawling Hand. The movie begins with Tom Gregory (Robert Hutton) flying into heavy fog over Los Angeles. Air traffic control from Santa Barbara instructs him to turn north, but apparently Tom doesn't take direction well and lands anyway.

Tom soon discovers that the airport is practically deserted, until he comes across Prof. Galbraith (Robert Burton) and his two daughters Lisa (Susan Hart...meee-ow) and Bonnie (Judee Morton...how you doin'?). They just happen to be driving by the airport in a convenient plot point. Lisa urges Tom to get into the car by saying "Please get in here" and Joel starts playing 70's funk air guitar which has to be a porn film reference. Saucy! They attempt to explain to Tom that the city has been invaded by "Slime People", creatures living in the sewers under the city. The Slime People were able to create a wall...or dome...or really think fog...around the city. Those who aren't dead have evacuated. Tom has a hard time believing this story until he begins seeing the destruction and dead bodies.

The first host segment is in spirit a follow up to last week's segment where they take Commando Cody to task for being too unrealistic. This time around they use a courtroom setting to harass Cody (by way of doll) instead of the movie.

Tom, Prof. Galbraith, and the two girls travel to Tom's TV station to find news footage of the events. As the newscaster starts speaking, we briefly see a shadow of a man in the shot. Crow turns to look towards where the man would be. I must say this is a very slow and sloppy way of providing exposition. I know even movies today do it, but that doesn't make it any less bad. After looters break into the viewing room, the gang head outside, where they run into a Slime Person (or, as they prefer to be called, Subterranean-Americans). They are helped out by a marine, Cal Johnson (William Boyce). Call soon falls for Bonnie, and they kiss during Cal's turn at the watch.

The next morning, Prof. Galbraith thinks up a plan to get through the wall (although you'd think they could just fly out since Tom was able to fly in...). Tom makes his move on Lisa (of course he does, I mean, look at her!). I've noticed people seem to hook up rather quickly in these end-of-the-world type movies. There's no time to waste, I guess.

During the second host segment, Joel and the Bots discuss why and how bad movies get made. The Bots lambast the movie for being bad, but Joel convinces them that the important thing is that the writer was able to get the movie made. Crow must really take this to heart, because we start seeing him write movie scripts and songs in later seasons. Servo gets meta when he suggests the idea of a show about a man stranded on a desert island forced to watch bad tv shows. Joel doesn't think it would work.

The gang splits up in order to get the chemicals needed to make a hole in the fog "wall" and then find where Cal believes the wall originated. They meet up with Norman Tolliver (Less Tremayne), a conspiracy theorist, writer, and general nutjob. Oddly, Less Tremayne is billed second in the movie, but doesn't show up until about half way through. Tolliver is carrying a goat, which Crow calls kitty. This is a running gag that started during the KTMA days where Crow calls every animal he sees a kitty.

Tom and Prof. Galbraith head into the fog to attempt to destroy it with chemicals. They use a rope so that Cal and pull them back out safely. However, a Slime Person steps on the rope, and Call thinks there's trouble. The whole gang follows the rope into the fog, and when they meet up with Tom and Prof. Galbraith, they all decide to head out. None of the chemicals they tried have worked. Bonnie is attacked by a Slime Person... I think. The fog is so thick in this part of the movie it's completely impossible to see what's going on. They all get out safely and drive away.

Tolliver wants to be dropped off so he can write a book (at a time like this!?!?), and they are attacked again (I think...still can't see). They all escape, packed into one car. Unfortunately, the car runs out of gas. They seek shelter in a butcher shop, but are attacked again. Once again, the fog is too thick to make out the action, but you can tell that Tolliver buys the farm.

Tom finally bothers to mention that he was close to the water when he came in for a landing. Prof. Galbraith guesses that salt will prevent the wall from becoming solid. It's too bad they are in California, if they were in the Northeast United States in the winter, they'd be able to pick up salt right off the road. Cal decides he's going to leave the butcher shop to get a car and find something for holding salt (I couldn't understand what), and Bonnie goes with him. Somehow Cal loses Bonnie, who I think got kidnapped (once again, too much fog).

For the third host segment, the Bots fill the control room with smoke, but it's still easier to see through than the fog in this movie.

Tom and Cal find Bonnie in a field. It's never explained why the Slime People captured here instead of killing her like everyone else. They find a machine they believe the Slime People are using to make the fog, but instead of destroying it, they go back to the butcher shop. Prof. Galbraith has gathered enough salt and the group of them leave again to attempt to make a hole in the fog wall. Although, if they can get through by the sea, why don't just find go to a dock, steal a boat, and leave? They attempt to get through the wall but the salt solution is barely making a dent. Tom decides to try to destroy the fog machine while Cal stays behind to protect the others. The entire group ends up in a fight with the Slime People, and Prof. Galbraith gets the bright idea to throw one of the Slime People's own spears at the fog machine, which destroys it. The fog lifts, the Slime People suffocate to death, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Joel bakes a pie for Crow during the final host segment. Gypsy eats half of the pie Joel had made earlier, cooking show style. They read a letter. And Servo must be, um, filling his load pan, because he's no where to be found.

Nothing wrong with this episode, but nothing memorable, either. The riffs are good enough, and he host segments are funny, but the movie was just so bad, not even Joel and the Bots can make it entertaining.

Favorite Riffs: "Steve, have you ever really looked at a squirrel? I mean, really, up close?", "Filmed in music-vision.", "Hi, this is the human race. We aren't in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.", "That's hand to fin combat.", "Don't point that goat at me, it might go off.", "Even in Tijuana.", "You better order out for more nerve.", "You will believe a marine can drive.", "Honestly, Bonnie, the slime you bring home!", "And they're not very gentle when they use a thermometer."

This episode was included in the Vol 27 DVD set, and is also available on Amazon Instant Video, YouTube, and the Digital Archive Project.

MST3K: 107 - Robot Monster

You got your monster on my robot!
No, you got your robot on my monster!

This episode begins with Joel stating the premise (which he also did last week). It doesn't seem necessary to me, because the lyrics do a perfectly good job of explaining what is going on. For the invention exchange, we see that the Bots are with Joel for the first time. The Mads show off their mechanically-inflating methane whoopie cushion, which they demonstrate with the obvious use of fire. This is the third time this season the Mads play with fire. There's something not right about those boys. Joel, meanwhile, shows his cumber-bubble-bund. Wear it to your first day of school or job interview (if you want to get instantly laughed at).

This episode, Joel and the Bots are subjected to two episodes of Radar Men from the Moon -- "Chapter 4: Flight to Destruction", and "Chapter 5: Murder Car". Close to the end of Chapter 4, J. Elvis sneezes. I like how he makes Tom Servo move when he does it, and Joel just goes with it. This shows that, at least during season 1, they only did one take of riffing the movie.

There are some recurring riffs in the Cody serials, but fortunately they are funny every time, like warning Cody there's a window down the hall, commenting how it looks like he's tweaking his nipples when he turns the knobs on his jacket to fly, and the "Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that joke."

During the 4th chapter, Cody fires at Graber when Graber's flying the plane while Joan is in the backseat. The writers really didn't think that through. If Cody manages to hit Graber -- BAM! down goes the plane. Servo makes a joke about equal but opposite reactions, but a gun doesn't really provide enough force to force a man in a jetpack backwards. Servo needs to learn physics. Also, what kind of plane lets you easily take off the steering wheel?

I'm not entirely sure why they felt it was necessary to go through the entire set of credits for Chapter 5, but at least it provided a funny moment while Joel had to chase the Bots as they were trying to ditch him. Also, during Chapter 5, there's a poster that looks like a dart board. Joel grabs a giant dart from under his chair and threatens to throw it at the screen.

The first host segment pokes some holes at the Cody serial, and somehow veered off into a discussion about Isaac Asimovs and bees. Servo's, Crow's and Cambots heads all explode when Joel says physics can't explain why bumblebees can fly. Actually, it can. Also, J. Elvis's puppeteering isn't the best in this scene. Servo's mouth movements are off.

Robot Monster is a black and white 1953 sci-fi movie in which the Earth is attacked by a drone from a collective called Ro-Man (George Barrows in a costume of his own design), an alien robot man gorilla type thing. Ro-Man is controlled by his leader, The Great Guidance. The film starts with Johnny (Gregory Moffett), his younger sister Carla (Pamela Paulson), his hot older sister Alice (Claudia Barrett), and his mother (Selena Royle) out for a picnic in a ... quarry or something. Johnny and Carla run into The Professor (John Mylong) and Roy (George Nader), two archaeologists working in a cave.

Ugh, change the channel, Dad! This movie stinks!

After the picnic, the family takes a nap. Johnny wakes up and wanders back up to the cave. He is awake to witness the planetary attack of Ro-Man the super space ape cyborg man. Ro-Man (aka "Those Dirty Red Commie Bastards"... this is 50's sci-fi after all) uses a Calcinator Beam (aka "the Bomb") to start an invasion of Earth. He tricks the world powers into nuking each other and finished off the survivors, killing all but eight people on the planet (aka "The Good Ole USofA!"). Little Johnny awakes to find two different machines in the cave, and that the nuke... I mean the "Calcinator Beam" transformed his jeans into shorts. He also sees Ro-Man.

Little Johnny runs home, or what's left of it, to find that the Professor is his father. We also learn that the Professor and Alice were able to rig up some sort of shield to keep them from being seen by Ro-Man. It's at this point that it becomes fairly obvious that what we have here is a classic Wizard of Oz scenario, only none of it's in color and the monkey... I mean ape ... doesn't fly.

Host segment two is a funny bit which includes a recurring theme -- the Bots think they don't need Joel. Crow pretends to be the Great Guidance instructing Servo (Ro-Man) to destroy Joel. You can see the top of J. Elvis's head at certain points. Joel hits Servo over the head with a breakaway chair, and Crow informs Joel they were just playing around. Asimov's robot laws are referenced, which we will hear referenced a few more times throughout the series.

As the film continues, we learn the Professor, now a biologist instead of an archeologist, had been working on a serum to inoculate humans against all diseases. This kept them from being killed by Ro-Man (and nuclear fallout, apparently). We also learn there is an entire garrison of soldiers on a space platform, and Roy plans on having two surviving pilots, Jason and McCloud, fly up to the space platform and give the serum to the soldiers. Ro-Man destroys the rocket and the space platform, leaving just Johnny's family and Roy. Joel has a saucy riff when Roy indicates that Alice is so bossy she should be milked at night. Joel called dibs. I don't blame him.

The family contacts Ro-Man in an attempt to broker a piece deal. Ro-Man gets the hots for Alice and declares that he will only speak to her. The Professor (now called George) wants to go instead. Somehow the meeting doesn't happen. Johnny confronts Ro-Man and leaves unscathed (although he reveals how they survive). Alice and Roy leave the house, I think to talk to Ro-Man, but end up getting side tracked and make out instead. They all come back to the ruins and Alice and Roy get married. Alice and Roy leave the ruins again, and Carla follows them to give Alice flowers. She is caught by Ro-Man and strangled to death. Down to five.

During the third host segment, Joel tries to convince Servo and Crow that it's OK the movie doesn't make any sense. The Bots start acting surreal, including Cambot who messes with visual effects. At least I hope Cambot was acting silly, because otherwise I was having an acid flashback.

Alice and Roy are confronted by Ro-Man and Ro-Man kills Roy by tossing him off a cliff. At last, Alice is all his! Only fourth people left. This doesn't look good for humanity. But, Ro-Man defies orders for love (awwww). The Great Guidance destroys Ro-Man, which seems short sighted -- he should have at least waited until Ro-Man killed Johnny, George, and the mother. The Great Guidance releases the "Q Ray" to destroy all remaining life. Johnny wakes up and we discover it was all a hallucinations brought on by a bump to the head (and you were there... and you were there). Thank goodness! But wait... who's that coming out of the cave? It's the Great Guidance (you can tell by the helmet). And there's three of him!

I always love when Joel and the Bots do pageants in the host segments. This one, a tribute to Ro-Man, wasn't half bad.

If I told you this movie was filmed for $16,000 over a for day period, would that be enough to let you know how bad this movie is? Yeah, I thought so. I think $15,000 of it went to composer Elmer Bernstein, who is actually a very well know and award winning film composer. The movie contains a good deal of stock footage, including scenes from Lost Continent and Rocketship X-M, both of which are movies shown during season two.

While the movie was bad (real bad), it was silly enough to be funny. The concept is simple enough, but the dialogue is atrocious, the effects are amateurish, and the errors are just plain lazy.

The movie was shot on location at Bronson Canyon, an area in California used heavily in movies ans tv series, including every single iteration of Star Trek. The location has been used in eight other movies shown in the the series (most of them during season three).

A slot set of riffs and host segments. A bad movie that was silly enough to be funny. This was a very solid first season episode. It could even pass for a halfway decent season two episode.

Favorite Riffs: "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times -- we're not rounding off pi to 4." "He's switching to the Light Rock station. The moon rock station." "When you shoot down a Cody, do you call a ranger or an air traffic controller?", "It's gecko-Roman wrestling.", "This is what comes from teaching apes sign language.", "Hey, look, they have Asteroids. They must be pretty advanced if they have Atari.", "Johnny, don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your life.", "Triceratops. Ok, but I normally don't like ceratops."

This episode was included in the Vol 19 DVD set, and is also available on Amazon Instant Video, Vimeo, YouTube, and the Digital Archive Project.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

MST3K: 106 - The Crawling Hand

The weather's started getting rough, let's get home.

Now this show is starting to look like it's maturing a little. Sure, it's only five (yes, I said five) episodes in, but now the show begins with a short scene with Joel instead of the Mads. There are buttons on the desk, and unless I am mistaken, this is the first appearance of Magic Voice! In the opening, Joel explains just what the heck is going on here. It's straight and to the point, and not particularly funny. We will see this happen a few more times this season before they decide they don't really need to explain the concept of the show.

Joel cheats during the invention exchange! I've watched this episode several times in the past, and it never occurred to me until now. Instead of actually investing anything, Joel pulls a prank on the Mads by pretending to cut off his fingers. Cheeky! The Mads invention, the Arm Extender, is cute, but it's rather easy to see that Trace's hand is what is coming out of the end of the tube.

The experiment is The Crawling Hand, a 1963 sci-fi movie. It is long enough that there is no time for a Radar Men from the Moon short. In the film, an astronaut on is way back from the moon appears to go insane. In reality, he has been infected with some sort of extraterrestrial life. He begs for his ship to be set to self-destruct, and NASA physician Dr. Max Weltzberg (Kent Taylor) obliges. However, the disembodied hand of the dead astronaut is found by college student Paul Lawrence (Rod Lauren). The hand kills Mrs. Hotchkiss (Paul's landlady) and then possesses Paul, who begins attacking others. Steve Curan (Peter Breck), chief of the NASA mission, and Dr. Weltzberg are tasked with stopping the attacks. Joel and the Bots see Peter again in the season 4 experiment The Beatniks.

Alan Hale Jr., who played the Skipper in Gilligan's Island, has a role as the town's sheriff. Hale appears in two more movies shown in the show. Tristam Coffin, who was just in the previous experiment, plays NASA's security chief. While Coffin's character is mentioned, we never see him on screen, which leads me to believe his scenes were cut for time in the episode. The voluptuous Allison Hayes (of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman fame and appears in three other films in the show) plays Donna, Steve's secretary.

The first host segment is rather weak. Joel and the Bots are bowling, but Joel decides he wants to play Murder Ball (did he really mean wheelchair rugby or something else?). When the Bots balk on that idea, Joel suggests rock-paper-scissors (which is intrinsically unfair based on the bots inability to move their fingers). There really wasn't much more to the bit that than.

The second host segment, in which Joel and the Bots imitate William Shatner getting choked, is rather funny. My only problem is that I don't recall an episode of Star Trek where Kirk gets choked almost to death. I'm sure there is one, it just doesn't come to mind.

"Dames like her always keep beer around." is a line from this movie and becomes a recurring riff through the rest of the series. The line is originally uttered by an EMT, when they decide to have a drink before transporting Mrs. Hotchkiss's body . You are a poor excuse for an EMT (and/or an alcoholic) if you think it's OK to drink a dead woman's beer. On top of that, when they find Paul unconscious, the same man tries to weasel out of helping him. That dude should be fired (I bet he was, and ended up being the surgeon that screwed up my gall bladder surgery).

There is one riff about Steve working on"O-rings", and it was quite harsh. This was late 1989, the Challenger disaster was only about four years earlier. Too soon, J. Elvis, too soon. It's not something that younger audiences now would necessarily catch, but I was in fifth grade when the Challenger exploded and remember the day distinctly.

The third segment is a bit weak. Joel does bring some humor to the situation with his explanation about how a disembodied hand could potentially be dangerous. But, in general, the bit just falls flat. Gypsy dressed as a giant hand in the end is just... strange.

The final host segment contains a letter, which is the first time we hear a letter read during season one. This is also the first time Servo reads the address for the fan club (is it sad I have it memorized?). This becomes a normal part of the show for at least several seasons.

Beside having The Skipper and the origin of "Dames like her always have beer around," this was not really a memorable episode. The riffs was decent, but the host segments were weak. An average episode for season one.

Favorite Riffs: "Hey, Joel, did they do these titles on a typewriter? No, that's the Helvetica Constellation we're looking at here.", "Sure wish I had that amount of command of my arms." (poor Servo). "Oh, and I suppose next you'll tell me there's rings around Uranus.", "Look, it's Ed Begley Sr.", "Did he just offer his hand in marriage?", "I don't think it's freezer wrap, I think it's a hand bag.", "I recognize him, he used to be with Def Leppard.", "Hey, wait a minute! Stop, or I'll say 'Hey!' again.", "If he sings Maria right now, I'm going to lose it, you guys", "You will believe a hand can crawl.", "Cats can't resist the cosmic treat. They're eating right out of his hand.", "This was no boating accident."

This episode can be bought on DVD from Rhino, and is also available on YouTube and the Digital Archive Project.